The Shoe Shopping Extravaganza

I’m begining to think something is severely wrong with me. My mental health is, well, not healthy. I seem to find the biggest challenges in the most simple and routine of tasks. This cannot be normal.
Today I went shoe shopping, or should I say browsing. To me shoe shopping is an abhorable task. It isn’t because I dislike shoes. It isn’t because i have some oddly shaped foot which is difficult to shop for. No I don’t have any reasonable reasons at all. This of course wasn’t my first attempt at shoe shopping. So I knew the challenges I was up against and decided to go in prepared.
One of the many factors that adds to my frustrations is the other clientele. I despise wading through the cheerful shoppers who all appear to be gloating. “Look at my new shoes! They’re fabulous! I’m fabulous! Sure glad I love shoe shopping, it’s the best.” This is why I chose a Thursday afternoon to do my shopping. Most of those unsympathetic jerks would be at work or in school.
The next issue I usually run into is selection. For one who doesn’t enjoy shopping driving from one store to the next is an exhausting task. This is the reason I chose the Boulevard. There lies a plethora of shoe stores all in one semi-convenient location.
Finally there are the shoe salesmen. Don’t get me wrong I have nothing against sales people (obviously), I just don’t want to be bothered. I’m sure they’re a friendly and mighty helpful bunch but when in the shoe shopping frame of mind I need to be left alone to concentrate. To combat this dilemma I brought my IPod. Not only would it ensure I wouldn’t be approached, the up lifting and encouraging music would put me in a great mood.
With seemingly all my obstacles overcome I danced into Dilliards listening to “One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you..” imagining all wonderful boots I would be purchasing. I enter Dilliards and guess what I see to my right, shoes! I had walked right into the shoe department! I knew that instant I would be going home with new shoes! As I walked past the selection of shoes I spotted several pairs that I liked and thought to myself “Okay, these are definitely options” I, of course, didn’t stop. I wanted to first check out some shoe specialty shops. I’m not really much of a department store shopper anyways.
I left Dilliards and proceded confidently into the mall. As I perused the mall I passed several store fronts, peering in to admire the selection but never actually entering. After I passed about five shoe stores I began to grow concerned, why hadn’t I been able to will myself into any of these stores? I had carefully planned this escapade so as to make it as easy as possible. I concluded I was doing what always comes naturally, procrastinating. “The next store,” I told myself “I am going into the very next store I see.” I turned the corner and spotted my destination. I slowly approached and noticed the store was empty, a sigh of relief. I think I got one foot in the doorway when the clerk appeared and made eye contact. That was all it took. I immidiately darted out of the store and hid behind the nearest lava lamp kiosk. I don’t know why but a 19 year old pimply faced shoe salesman can intimidate me like no other. I Googled it and there is no such thing (not currently psychologically-recognized at least) as a shoe shopping phobia.
Not able to face the small shoe boutiques I decide it may be easier to shop in one of those warehouse type places where all the shoes and their boxes are juxtaposed in long categorized aisles. I quickly located one. I entered and none of the clerks paid me any mind, perfect. I made my way up and down the aisles stopping occasionally to examine pairs that caught my attention. I soon there after exited, empty handed.
At this point I had been up and down the entire mall and the only thing I saw that I had seriously considered purchasing was a Playstation 2. I resigned to returning to Dilliards. I would buy a few of the pairs I had eyed on the way in. I made my way back to the Dilliards shoe department and wandered around for about five minutes. Now that I needed someone to talk to me I couldn’t find anyone. Honestly though I was relived as I still felt incapable of making a decision. I hung my head in failure and left the mall.
Perhaps I am meant to be barefoot? Perhaps I could find something online? Perhaps I should just give up and rely on Santa, I hear he has impeccable taste anyways.